TROUBLE IN REMEMBERING

An 70 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

SMART BIZ STRATEGY

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

LIE DETECTOR- THE ROBO

One day JAME's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. JAMES returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".

JAMES answered, "Dad we had extra classes today". Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped JAMES on his face.

His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went to my friend's house."

Which friend?

"STEVE"

Splatt... JAMES got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

"No dad honestly I went for the movie with my girl friend."

"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to watch movies after school."

 Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. 

Hearing all this, JAMES mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you".

Splatt, ... mother gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

MILLION DOLLARS

A man was praying to god.

He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

Man said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?" 

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

God cheerfully said, "Sure!....... just a second."

MEN VS WOMEN'S TALK

TWO WOMEN TALKING

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

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NOW TWO MEN TALKING

Man 1: Haircut? 

Man 2: Yeah.

HR MANAGER

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and he died. HIS soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the man.

"Sorry, we have rules..." and with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and he found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - fellow executives that he had worked with and they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for him. They ran up and kissed him on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. He met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and he had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved goodbye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So he spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had great time and before he knew it 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got him.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity". The man paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again he went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to him and put his arm around him.

"I don't understand," stammered the man, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at him smiled and told...

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Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.

ASYLUM

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

SALESMAN

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will eat all this!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.

HEARING PROBLEM

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 30 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 20 feet, then 10 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 30 feet away, let's see what happens." then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 20 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 10 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response so; He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, DOSA !"